January
- Resolutions: Sex & Health
I hope you got through the holidays and are ready to face this brand
new year.
Some of you may resolve to lose an extra pound, get fit, make more
money, be a better spouse or be a better parent, but this year, perhaps
you should also decide to have more sex!
You might think it’s silly to resolve to have more sex, because
the desire to have sex should just happen on its own, but the truth
is that it doesn’t necessarily work that way. If getting to
the gym takes some discipline and commitment, so does having more
sex. And by sex I mean both partner sex and solitary sex (masturbation).
Either way, it might mean that you need to plan it as part of your
weekly schedule, because life is busy and at the end of the day you
might just want to crash and not have to spend energy you feel you
don’t have. I suggest you make sex a regular part of your week,
preferably at a time where you feel energetic and not sleepy. Some
people find afternoons, early evenings or weekend mornings work best,
depending on your schedule.
If you want to live a healthy lifestyle, but feel that you can’t
really justify spending precious time having sex, allow me to point
to several studies that have shown that sex is very good for you.
Some of these findings are as follows:
There is shown a positive correlation between frequency of orgasms
and longevity, and frequent sexual intercourse is correlated with
lower incidence of stroke and heart disease. Sexual activity may bolster
the immune system in women and men, and sexual release can help you
go to sleep. An active sex life makes you look younger, and sexual
activity burns calories and fat. People with active sex lives also
tend to exercise more frequently and have better dietary habits than
those who are less sexually active. In addition, an active sex life
can be helpful to relieve menstrual cramps and to have a regular menstruation
cycle. Sex can furthermore help to relieve certain types of chronic
pain, decrease depression, and in general give you a better quality
of life. Don’t forget, sex with a partner also serves to strengthen
the emotional connection between you and thus improve the quality
of the relationship.
These are just a few of the many benefits sex has to offer, and I
am sure that every one reading this can, based on your own experience,
add more to the list.
In other words, by making sex a new-year resolution you could kill
two birds with one stone, and end up looking young and fit, feeling
healthy and happy, and have a healthy and solid relationship with
both yourself and your partner.
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February
- Sexy Valentine
Valentines Day is the one day of the year where it is accepted, appreciated
and encouraged to be romantic, sexy, maybe a little corny and perhaps
even a little bit horny. Make the most of it.
Chocolate, flowers and romantic dinners are great aphrodisiacs, but
why not try stretching your imagination and doing something different.
It doesn’t have to be radical, just make a slight shift in your
routine.
For example, if you always have sex at night before going to sleep,
try having sex before dinner or on your lunch break on Valentines
Day. Or, if you always have sex in a certain way, try a different
way. Is one person always on top? Reverse it! Are you always waiting
for your partner to initiate sex? If so, then take charge! Are you
always initiating sex? Then sit back. Are you always having sex in
the bedroom? Then try the kitchen. When was the last time you and
your partner took a long, leisurely bath together with candles, music,
and bubbles? When was the last time you watched a romantic, sexy movie,
or even a porn movie together? Have you ever done a strip tease for
each other? Why not try it? These are just some examples to get your
creative juices flowing.
The reality is that it’s winter, it’s cold outside, the
holidays are a fading memory, and the resolutions have failed. Life
might feel a bit tough and sex might be the last thing on you mind,
but Valentine’s Day is a good excuse to break out of your winter
doldrums and enjoy sex!
I promise you, an hour or two (or more!) of sexual pleasure, alone
or with your partner(s) will give you a break from the daily grind.
It will expand your horizon, put things in perspective, and alter
the chemistry of your body and brain in a healthy way. If all the
stress and cold have made you a bit irritable and impatient, reconnecting
sexually will relax you, open up your heart and bring out the best
in you.
I am not claiming that sex is the solution to all the struggles of
life. I am just suggesting that it is a healthy way to break the routine,
and give you more strength and inspiration to deal with the rollercoaster
of life.
Valentine’s Day gives you a good reason to attend to your sex
and romantic life. Hopefully it will be so much fun and give you so
much pleasure that you’ll want to create some version of Valentines
Day every day for the rest of the year.
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March
- Sex & Eating
When most couples think of a having a romantic dinner, they usually
envision a candlelit table, an expensive bottle of wine, a lovely
meal and a decadent dessert. But after eating a full meal, be advised
that you may not get the romantic payoff you’re hoping for.
Because just as you should not go to the gym on a full stomach, good
sex is best achieved after a light meal. After eating a big dinner
many things happen in your body. First and foremost, most of your
blood rushes to the stomach and digestive organs to help digest and
absorb the food, leaving less blood available for the rest of the
body, including your erogenous zones. Second, when you feel full,
you are less energetic, and perhaps even sleepy. Sex, no matter how
you choose to have it, does require some amount of energy. Third,
feeling full makes people tend to feel more self-conscious about their
bodies--they hold their breath and suck in their stomachs to look
thin, then get tense, resulting in a limp penis and a dry vagina.
And while a bottle or two of wine removes the feeling of self-consciousness,
it also makes the nervous system sluggish, numbs sensitivity and confuses
the blood vessels, making your face flushed while your genitals pale.
It’s fine to be a little hungry when you begin your erotic adventure
because when your blood starts pumping you’ll access energy
from your energy storage areas (liver, muscles and fat), your blood
sugar will rise, and your hunger will subside, similar to when you
go to the gym. If you’re lucky enough to have a sex marathon
you can always treat your partner to a little sexy snack--strawberries,
grapes, cheese, avocado, olives--to keep the blood sugar up. And
remember it is important to stay hydrated while having sex as your
mucus membranes can easily get dry and sore with prolonged use--so
keep water handy and take erotic aqua breaks instead of drinking alcohol,
which will only make you dryer.
So, the next time you’re thinking of sex and food a word of
caution--eat mindfully before you have sex. Or better yet, reverse
the order; start with sex, then enjoy a good dinner and a nice bottle
of wine, then relax, cuddle and sleep. If that’s not possible,
try eating a light dinner of foods that are easily digestible or having
just a few appetizers instead of an entrée. And though it may
be in vogue right now, a protein-laden meal from the Atkins’
Diet is not recommendable as an aphrodisiac.
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April
- Sex & Spirit
The month of April heralds the arrival of spring, but it is also a
time for spiritual reflection with many people celebrating the Easter
and Passover holidays. During this religious period, it is not uncommon
for people to think that they should put aside their sexual feelings.
But instead of denying your feelings, why not explore how sex and
spirit can operate together?
While everyone has their own idea of what spirit means to them, I
believe spirit is an expansion of consciousness, making the idea of
sex and spirit no longer so foreign. I am sure that many people can
confirm sexual experiences that have taken them out of their normal
realm of being, and into a place they don't necessarily know how to
describe. Some might call it an "out of body experience,"
while others would describe it as flying, losing track of time and
place, feeling completely as one with another person and so on. Independent
of what we call it, it has a mystical quality, meaning that it is
beyond the scope of science to explain what exactly happens when we
enter into this state of consciousness during an erotic encounter.
If this is a novel concept to you, allow me to give a very abbreviated
explanation of this huge and complex topic.
Sex is not an intellectual event--it is an emotional and physical
process. In order to fully experience your feelings and physical sensations,
you have to stop thinking. In other words, to have good sex, either
by yourself or with a partner, you need to get out of your head and
into your body. From there, you can be led toward the path of a spiritual,
erotic experience.
If you are having partner sex, I suggest that instead of trying to
figure out what to do during sex, let your mouth and fingers (both
packed with sensory nerve endings) be your eyes. Discover your partner,
whether for the first, or fiftieth time, with the curiosity of a toddler.
Let the main focus be on your own pleasure. Experience your partner
through your senses and not through your thoughts. Remember to breathe
deeply into the belly to take in all of the erotic sensations, and
let your breath serve as a vehicle to open you up and connect you
with your partner. By surrendering fully to being with yourself and
your partner in this sensuous way, you are creating an erotic field
between you, almost like you are being weaved together in a web. From
here, the erotic contact takes on a life of its own--your bodies are
dancing together, trusting the inner impulse without having to think.
There is no awkwardness or fear, just breath, pounding hearts, moving
bodies, and waves of pleasure. You may experience an orgasm or you
may not, it is the process that matters, not the result. Experienced
together, sex and spirit can be a very moving and powerful force.
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May
- Sex & Mothers
May is the month to celebrate Mom. Motherhood is an important and
popular role, and moms are constantly barraged with tips for making
their lives easier and better. However, it is rare that you hear sex
and mothers spoken in the same sentence, and the disconcerting reality
is that sex often ceases to exist in a mother’s life. Given
the many mental and physical benefits that are associated with sex,
it might be wise for moms to rethink the role of sex in their lives.
While there are a number of complex issues underlying the lack of
sex in motherhood, I will address only a few common problems:
•Time of course, is the number one problem and perhaps the biggest
obstacle.
•Children take time and energy and at the end of the day, neither
one is left for sex. To some extent, it is a matter of priority--sex
or laundry, sex or housecleaning, etc, etc. In addition, it takes
an extra bit of effort to communicate and make time with your partner.
Try to set aside time for sex just as you would anything else in your
busy day. It may mean getting a babysitter so that you and your partner
can go out and share an intimate dinner, and then come home for an
even more intimate dessert. Sadly, the romantic notion of spontaneity
may have to go out the window as parenthood walks in the door.
•The hectic lifestyle that comes with raising children can,
for some women, be a convenient way to avoid sex. Sex might, for various
reasons, never have been a particularly exciting thing in the first
place and with motherhood, many women consider the sexual aspect of
their life history. I would strongly suggest that if you are one of
these women, seek help so that sex (either masturbation or with partner)
can become a new discovery and a source of joy and energy in your
life.
•Some women are unable to return to their pre-baby bodies--be
it in pounds, proportions or looks--and in a society that applauds
youth and physical perfection, they fail to recognize the beauty and
sensuality that is presented in their own bodies. While it is important
that you respect yourself by caring for your body through exercise
and healthy eating, it is also essential to accept and appreciate
your body as it is. If you don’t feel good about what you see
in the mirror, then make it a goal to get your body to a place where
you feel comfortable in your skin. Feeling good about ones self, is
the key to feeling sexy. How much you weigh and how firm you are,
is far less important than liking the body you have, because if you
like your body chances are your partner will like it too.
•Co-parents, independent of gender, are also part of the no-sex
scenario. Mom might be the one wanting sex, while her partner has
a hard time. In that case, it is essential that you as the partner
see the mother of your child as the sensual woman you love, not just
as a "mother." Try to appreciate her new sexiness, and don’t
be stuck on the idea of what she used to be, or what you want her
to be. If that doesn’t work, I suggest seeing a therapist.
•If setting aside time for sex means an hour less time you spend
being a mom, think quality versus quantity. Having a close sexual
bond with your partner offers an important role model for your children,
and the after effects of sex might just provide that little extra
amount of patience and unconditional love that will help make you
a "super mom."
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June
- Sex & Fathers
There are all kinds of dads: young, old, gay, straight, bi-sexual,
transgender, working dads and stay-at-home dads. Having a child is
a life-changing event not only for mom, but for dad as well.
Many men are used to being the main target of their partners attention
and affection and with fatherhood, suddenly experience that the child(ren)
now take first priority. This can be hard for many men to handle,
and it is important for the partner to negotiate in a sensitive way
so that dad can still feel “special,” and the relationship
can continue to grow.
Introduction of children also means more responsibilities for the
father, and the added responsibility might make him feel scared and
stressed. In addition, some of his freedom may be lost and weekends
playing golf or hanging with his buddies might be replaced with more
paternal chores.
Between working all day, then coming home to play with the kids, dads
may find they have little energy left for sex. However, that doesn’t
mean their desire for sex is gone. If the sad reality is that sex
has become a rare event, resentment can start to build while sexual
fantasies begin to surface. Some men do experience a loss of desire
and all the stress in their new lifestyle, can affect their ability
to get an erection. While men in general are more diligent about masturbating
than women are, they can start to feel guilty about doing it once
they become fathers. They deny themselves that moment of pleasure,
and that in turn will feed the lack of desire cycle. I prescribe daily
masturbation as a way to keep the energy flowing, the desire alive
and the ability intact.
Some fathers look at their spouses and don’t appreciate what
they see post-baby. They see stretch marks, fuller bodies, and breasts
that have functions other than pleasure. While it is known and accepted
that men are more visual in their pursuit of sexual pleasure, feelings
also play an important role in the sex drive equation. As a new father,
try looking beyond the physical changes and let your love for her
fuel your sexual desire. She is still the woman you love; only now
she has expanded her role to include motherhood. Also remember that
being a mother does not make her “your mother,” so keep
that projection in check, and apply the philosophy of mother with
the children, lover in the bedroom.
Make sure you still make time for yourself be it for golf, gym or
friends. Take care of your body by eating well and exercising--don’t
let the stress of fatherhood make you sabotage your own well-being.
The better you feel about your self physically and mentally, the more
you have to offer as a father, spouse and lover. Most importantly,
make sure you still treat your partner as special, by bringing home
flowers, getting a babysitter and arranging an intimate date whenever
possible. If you or your partner aren’t interested in sex, talk
about it, and if you feel frustrated or unable to communicate, see
a therapist either alone or together. If your mind is willing but
your body is not, don’t panic, it is most likely just a function
of stress and a new life style. By communicating with your partner,
relaxing and slowing down, it is very likely that your body will rise
to the occasion.
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July,
August - Sex & Summer
Summer is here and many of us find spring in our step as we enjoy
longer days and a drink at a sidewalk café. Our sun-deprived
bodies are exposed, skin rubs against skin on crowded rush hour trains,
and sunglass-covered eyes linger on deep cleavages, bare legs and
tummies surfacing above hip hugging pants.
Summer in the city can be particularly brutal, and the beach, filled
with people of all sizes, shapes and colors, can be a great escape.
While the idea of buying and wearing a bathing suit can make even
the calmest person anxious, the good thing is that when you’re
actually on the beach the concept of having a “perfect”
body ceases to exist.
The sun is a wonderful aphrodisiac, and there is nothing better then
spending a day on the beach with a lover or a partner. The combination
of sand, sun and the sound of the ocean can wake up erotic desires,
be they roaring flames or a tiny forgotten voice. If your sex life
is good, a day on the beach can serve to add fuel to the fire. If
your sex life is not so good, or not happening at all, a day on the
beach can be a good way to start to rekindle the lost desire. The
beach offers an environment with few distractions--no computers (unless
you want to spend two days de-sanding your laptop), no errands or
household chores, and no TV. It is a wonderful opportunity to actually
talk to each other and be together, and suntan lotion offers a perfect
excuse to touch. Since on most public beaches, one cannot actually
have sex in the sand, the day can serve as a wonderfully long foreplay
for an evening of lovemaking. If you have been in a bathing suit all
day there should be less shyness around being naked together, allowing
you to leave the light on and really admire each other.
For a day in the sun to serve as the best aphrodisiac I suggest that
you don’t get too sunburned--(it makes it hard to be touched),
don’t drink alcohol--(it makes you dehydrated and prone to a
headache), choose to eat light, and drink lots of water. If you really
want sex to be the focus of the day, you could bring a book of erotica
and take turns reading to each other, or share your erotic secrets
or fantasies. If you have the opportunity to actually have sex on
the beach, be aware that sand in certain orifices can hurt, and if
you dream about having sex in the water, you might first want to check
out just how clean the water is.
Summer gives permission to look and be looked at as we walk down the
street, and I suggest that the same philosophy be applied for your
sexual adventures. Seeing and being seen is a big part of our eroticism,
and when you let yourself look with both your eyes and your heart,
you will really see the beauty of your partner, and discover that
the perfection of his or her body is in the eyes of the beholder.
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September
- A New Season of Sex
As the summer slowly fades away, the crispness in the air serves as
a reminder that the reality of “back to school,” is here,
whether we are students, parents or children. As much as that indicates
that life is about to get more serious and more busy, it also means
that something new and exciting could be just around the corner.
I hope that for many of you, the last 2-3 months were somewhat rejuvenating
and fun, and perhaps even filled with memorable erotic encounters.
If the summer disappeared in a blur of work, children or social obligations,
leaving the erotic part neglected, maybe this is the time to get reorganized,
reprioritized and renewed.
To keep an erotic mind alive is to keep an open mind. If new aspects
of your sex life emerged during the summer, try not to fall back into
old comfortable ways of having sex just because summer is over and
old routines have set back in. Conversely, if you already feel stuck
in an old routine, try exploring in your mind other possibilities
of being sexual.
One way of opening up new erotic avenues is to venture out of the
house for a shopping spree. As many parents shop for new school clothes
for their kids in the fall, why not take your partner to a sex toy
store and pick out something fun to try, be it sex toys, books or
videos. Sexy underwear is another fun thing to shop for both for men
and women, and you can have fun trying it on for each other once you
get home. Music that stirs your erotic senses is another good purchase
to make. If you are used to listening to a certain type of music try
another section, maybe some new tunes can stir up undiscovered desires.
If you normally assign sex to after dark, try it in the morning, before
dinner, or even in the middle of the afternoon. And of course, it
never hurts to pick up some nice candles and flowers on your way home
Fall signifies not only a change of seasons but also change of lifestyle
for many people. Vacation time is over and everyone is ready to get
down to work. Working on your sex life is important, it will increase
your stamina and performance in other areas of your life, and it is
a lot of fun.
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October
- Sex & Costumes
Most people who engage in sexual activity will agree that one of the
main benefits of sex is the pleasure we gain from it. We are pleasure-seeking
creatures, and sex is a great vehicle for achieving it. However, what
is defined as pleasure for you, does not necessarily apply to your
neighbor, and when it comes to sex there are numerous ways of getting
the kind of pleasure we seek. Whereas some people prefer pure vanilla
sex in a dark bedroom, others get their pleasure from elaborate sexual
rituals.
October is the month we celebrate Halloween, and many people derive
great satisfaction from making and wearing fabulous costumes, which
when done well, can completely hide a persons identity. Costumes are
often expressions of hidden parts of our personalities, and a result
of great creativity and a desire to be different.
In a sexual context it is quite common to use various costumes and
role-plays as a way of sharpening the erotic edge and heightening
the pleasure. However, while Halloween parties allow public display
of costumes, wearing costumes in a sexual setting is usually done
in private, due mostly to the social stigma attached to sexual activities.
It is quite common for people of the male gender to enjoy wearing
women’s stockings and underwear, while many females enjoy taking
on a masculine role wearing all the paraphernalia involved with that.
People of both genders seem to like playing doctor or nurse, while
others like to be cat-woman or superman in the bedroom.
Use of costumes during erotic play allows for gender bending, and
for secret parts of us to come out under the disguise of a costume
and/or role-play. Sex is adult play, and it is supposed to be fun,
pleasant and intimate. If your sexual partner is a significant other,
sex serves to strengthen the emotional connection between you, while
if you have casual sex you learn how sex can create an intimate bond
even if you are aren’t that closely connected to your partner.
I encourage consensual sexual play that will facilitate an expression
of your particular desires. I believe in taking risks with your partner
because in sex there is no “right” or “wrong”
way of doing things, as long as it is safe and agreed upon in advance.
Quite often, if one partner dares to speak out it opens the door for
communication of secret desires for both partners, and the more you
know about each others sexual needs, the deeper the intimate connection
grows.
So if you’re invited to a masquerade party this year, take a
moment to ponder the underlying motivation for your particular costume,
is it reflecting a hidden aspect of you, and is it connected to a
secret, repressed part of the sexual you? If so, maybe this Halloween
you and your partner can dress up and be rewarded with your own tricks
and treats in the bedroom.
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November
- Sex and Thanksgiving
Holiday season is upon us, and despite the fact that holidays are
meant to be happy times for family and friends to gather; they often
end up being highly stressful on both an emotional and logistic level.
While invitations, food, and décor are being attended to in
minute detail, the one thing that is very often neglected during these
stressful times is sex.
Giving thanks by planning a big feast is a wonderful thing, but why
not include giving thanks to your partner by enjoying sex as well.
After all, sex, food and sleep are all basic needs that feel really
good, each in their own way.
We are living in trying times and the toll on our overall being is
high, both mentally and physically. We experience a high level of
consistent stress and tension and the holidays only increase our stress.
Massage and spas, which have become highly popular, are magnificent
ways to relieve stress, but they can be expensive and time consuming,
and because of that are not an option for many people. Sex has a number
of benefits as a means of counteracting stress, and it is a shame
that it is not used more frequently as stress management. It is free
of charge (unless you feel the need to pay for it), is pleasurable,
relaxes you, helps you put things in perspective, and has a number
of positive effects on stress hormones and other chemicals (neurotransmitters)
in the brain. Furthermore, sex is most often conducted at home, can
address both your emotional and physical needs, can take as much or
as little time as you have available, and can be done alone or with
a partner.
Since Thanksgiving Day traditionally falls on a Thursday and most
people enjoy a turkey feast, maybe Friday can be a day of light eating
and heavy sex. As I have written before, sex is usually best on a
semi-empty stomach because overeating can cause discomfort and tiredness.
The day after eating a big meal would be a good time to have sex.
Many people also have Friday off and don’t have to rush off
to work or other obligations. So instead of working out or running
off to the after Thanksgiving sale on Friday, use the extra energy
and a little creativity to create a memorable day of giving thanks
by enjoying sex as much as you enjoyed your holiday.
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December
- Give the Gift of Sex
Christmas and Hanukkah are upon us and tis the season to shower your
loved ones with presents. But what to buy? He already has all the
ties and tools that exist, and she has all the earrings and perfume
any woman could ask for. Maybe it’s time for a change.
Gift-giving season is usually hard not only on your pocketbook, but
on your sex life as well. In a normal busy week it is often the weekends
that provide time for intimacy. During holiday time, weekends are
filled with endless shopping sprees, and at the end of the day there
is little energy left for sex. The result might be that you find yourself
going for weeks without any physical closeness with your partner,
which can easily create resentment and tension. To help put the spark
back into your romantic relationship, why not consider buying your
partner a sexy gift. Of course, what you consider sexy is up to your
personal taste, as well as to the nature of your relationship. This
year, I challenge you to expand your thinking when it comes to gifts,
and take a risk. Allow me to offer some suggestions that may help
trigger your own creativity.
Lingerie can be a very good place to start, and both the wearer and
the viewer, independent of gender, usually appreciate it. And remember,
lingerie isn’t just for women. Men can also appreciate a sexy
pair of boxers, briefs or sleepwear.
Your next stop can be the sex toy store, either online or in person,
depending on where you live and what is accessible. It is hard to
give suggestions as there are so many choices, and your choices will
depend on what kind of sex you and your partner prefer. My best recommendation
is to have an open mind and be curious. If you have never tried using
a dildo, think about it as a possibility. Vibrators are another option;
they exist in every size, shape, color and price range and can be
equally pleasant for men and women. There are also feathers for tickling,
nice smelling massage oils and all kinds of sexy edibles. If more
kinky play has crossed your mind, but not your lips, maybe some innocent
looking kinky toys can convey the message to your partner.
Now, of course I don’t recommend that these gifts be opened
in the presence of children, grandparents, in-laws, etc. Let the exchange
of these special gifts be in a private moment in bed, while the children
are sleeping or happily playing on their own. That way, the opening
of the gifts in itself can become a sexy moment that can spark the
passion. Even if you can't try them out that very moment, it can start
building the excitement for what is to come later.
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Sex & Play
Sex
has different meanings in various cultures and religions, but my definition
of sex is fun, play, pleasure and love. As soon as the weather allows
it we see that the parks are full of dogs and kids of all ages running
and frolicking, but where are the adults?
It is truly rare to see men and women playing together just for the
fun of it. While it is socially acceptable for women to get together
for dinner, movies, shopping or drinks, rarely, if ever, do you see
women playing games together. Conversely, men get together for beers,
the gym or to watch a game, but they also play basketball, softball,
hockey and handball too. I sometimes wonder where the women, straight
or gay, are, and why I don’t see them playing with their friends
or partners. Is it that it is socially unacceptable, or do women not
like to play after they reach a certain age?
Outdoor play is a wonderful metaphor for sex. It is primarily a physical
activity where you apply the body in a number of different ways, and
where you are in intimate interaction with your playmate(s). If you
think too much you delay your reactions and are likely to drop or
miss the ball. But if you trust your physical impulses and the coordination
of your body, you feel a wonderful freedom and excitement when you
make the perfect move. That is exactly what happens during sex--when
you trust your gut feelings and are spontaneous, sex tends to be great,
while the moment you stop to think about what you are doing, you easily
interrupt the arousal or orgasm, get self-conscious, and lose the
desire.
Playing and moving around shakes up your muscles, interrupts compulsive
and stressful thought patterns, stirs up your mind, pushes blood into
every part of your body, and gives you a definite spring in your step.
If sex has taken a back burner in your relationship and you don’t
know how to correct it, try playing together. Grab a ball, ride a
bike, jump rope, do something together to get your blood flowing and
have some fun. To sweat and run together in a playful way provides
a lightness and casualness that can be a backdoor to intimacy, and
might make the transition from outdoor play to indoor play a lot easier.
Sex sometimes becomes too serious and the stakes so high, that the
mere idea of sex can be paralyzing. If your sex life is already good,
playing together can make it even better--it will stir the creativity
and spice up the sex in very positive (and healthy) ways.
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Sex
& Women
It might seem like homosexuals receive a fair amount of attention
in the mass media, but it’s usually in the context of fighting
for their rights to exist as “normal” people. Very little
is said or written about homosexual sex per se. Let’s take lesbian
sex as an example.
For those who know anything about lesbians and their sex lives, one
of the first things that comes to mind is the concept of “Lesbian
Bed Death.” This is a phenomenon that lesbians stop having sex
six months or so into a relationship. While the idea of what exactly
a “lesbian” is, or what she looks like has gone through
many changes over the last 40 years, the phenomenon of declining sexual
activity in lesbian couples has been fairly consistent. Although nowadays,
it is much more common and accepted that women have one-night stands
with each other or have casual sex partners, as soon as two women
become a couple it seems as though it is hard for them to maintain
a satisfying sex life. There are many reasons for this, and no “one
size fits all” answer, but I can offer a few thoughts on the
topic.
Passion always requires polarities, similar to a battery needing a
positive and a negative in order to create a charge. These polarities
might be present initially in a lesbian couple, but as the women get
more intimate and live together, comfort and camaraderie often replace
individuality. They become each other’s best friend, and are
kind and supportive of each other, but tend not to have sex with their
“friend”. Many lesbians have a fear of expressing their
assertiveness and being “less nice” (as in more self preserving),
or of appearing to be messy or raw by expressing their desires. Often,
female couples spend a lot of time together, not having separate friends,
or doing things on their own. This easily results in merging, and
as much as a bonfire needs air in order to burn, women (and men) need
space and separation to create passion. Additionally, insecurity and
trust issues make it hard for many lesbians to give each other a bit
of a longer leash.
Lesbian sex, (or sex in general), is not embraced by this society,
and women are left to their own devices to figure out how to make
sex work for them in their relationship. Layers of socially-induced
shame stops many from trying out various gender roles, or strapping
on a dildo, playing with a power-dynamic, or living out their fantasies
in any way. There is also a culturally inherent self-consciousness
about the female body that prevents many women from exploring their
own sexual body and discovering just what makes their juices flow.
In other words, whether you’re in a homosexual or a heterosexual
relationship, it takes courage, willingness and experimentation to
achieve a good sex life. While comfort and support is important, it
is equally important to keep seeing each other anew, keep being curious
about the other person, and keep up the esthetics. Sexy underwear
and nice outfits are not designed for heterosexual women only they
can be appreciated just as much by a female partner as by a man.
In essence, in lesbian relationships, just like in any other relationship,
you cannot afford to get lazy. You must take care of yourself physically
and mentally, and not take for granted that your partner’s love
is forever unless you help to keep it alive.
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Sex & Lubrication
Everybody has his or her own idea of what constitutes good sex, but
the one key ingredient that everyone can agree on is "the wetter,
the better," and lubrication is the key.
During sexual arousal there is increased blood circulation to the
genital area. For men, this results in erection and for women, in
swelling of the vaginal tissue and secretion of moisture. But what
exactly is that mysterious fluid and where does it come from? Vaginal
glands secrete some of the thicker fluid, but the clear, slightly
sticky moisture that makes for easy entree is blood plasma being squeezed
through the blood vessels in the vaginal walls. As circulation in
the area increases, the blood pressure in these blood vessels goes
up and more plasma is squeezed through. Thus, there is a direct connection
between blood supply and lubrication.
To maintain a well-trained muscle anywhere in the body you need an
ample supply of blood. Blood travels via a well-developed network
of blood vessels that provide oxygen and remove waste products. If
a muscle is left dormant, it quickly gets flaccid and blood supply
goes down. The same is true with the vaginal area. If women don't
exercise the muscles in their genitals either by partner sex, masturbation
and/or contraction of the pelvic floor muscles (Kegel exercises),
the muscles get flaccid, the blood supply is reduced and so is the
potential for lubrication. One of the keys to promote good blood circulation
is deep, relaxed breathing. If you tend to hold your breath and tighten
your stomach muscles you are likely to cut off some of the blood supply
to your genital area, and thus reduce your lubrication capacity. Drinking
water is also important because if you are dehydrated your blood will
thicken and less plasma will be squeezed out of the blood vessels--another
good reason to drink your daily recommended amount of water, before,
during, and after sex.
A great concern for many postmenopausal women is the loss of natural
lubrication. Due to age-related hormonal changes, the vaginal walls
get thinner with fewer blood vessels and women find that their vaginas
tend to be dry. Active use of the vaginal muscles can prevent some
of this loss. However, the good news is, what cannot be produced naturally
can be bought. There are a number of good moisturizing lubricants
available, and there is no shame in having a bottle within reach during
your erotic adventures. If you have sex for an extended period of
time, be it by penis, finger(s), hand(s), dildo or other toys, you
will, independent of age, need more lubrication then you can secrete,
so pour it on generously to avoid soreness. For anal penetration,
using lots of lube is essential as the walls of the rectum are very
sensitive and can easily rip. Find the lubrication that works for
you, be it massage oil or a water-based formula and remember to read
the label to see if a product is compatible with latex (condoms or
gloves).
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Sex
and Sobriety
There
are a number of reasons why people turn to alcohol and drugs to cope
with the pain and struggle of human existence and just as many reasons
why they choose, or are forced, to get sober. Among the many things
that surface in sobriety are physical and mental awareness and feelings,
which are effectively numbed by drugs and/or alcohol.
One major fear for many recovering alcoholics is to actually have
to feel their sexual self and face the possibility of real intimacy.
It is quite common to hear stories about promiscuity and anonymous
sex from people attending 12-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous
(AA), but much less common to hear about sober sex and intimacy. Many
people drink as a means to avoid real contact with other human beings,
and yet have sex to achieve some kind of physical closeness or feel
desired and empowered. Without the buffer of booze, it can feel really
scary to be available and vulnerable to another person in an intimate
sexual situation. For many ex-alcoholics who have never experienced
sober sex, it can be an extreme step into the unknown and their anxiety
can easily soar.
Each person has their own sexual history, and the key is always to
support them in feeling safe while embodying all the feelings and
fears that are attached to their sexuality. Many (both active and
recovering) alcoholics are exceptionally smart people, and quite often
they are more focused on the thoughts in their minds than on the manifestations
of feelings and sensations in their bodies. In order to access their
true sexual self it is essential to connect their minds to their bodies,
and thus create space for a complete sense of arousal and eroticism
to emerge.
Anxiety is quite common among recovering alcoholics and is often the
main reason they drank in the first place. In a sexual context, breathing
and staying present to the moment are essential tools for preventing
thoughts and old habits from interfering with the current sexual event.
Sober sex is different from having sex while drunk or high, and it
might be necessary to take very small steps to build up trust and
confidence between you and your partner. It is crucial to be patient
and to honor every step of the journey, to be highly process (pleasure),
versus result (orgasm) oriented, and to appreciate every little risk
each of you are able to take. By committing fully to the actual experience
of the erotic interaction, as opposed to the thought of it, the anxiety
can give way to a profound feeling of excitement. You might discover
that what you thought sex entailed, no longer suffices, and instead
experience a whole new specter of sexuality and sensuality.
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Sex & Kissing
Though many people think that sex and kissing are a given, that the two naturally go hand in hand, they often don’t. In casual, anonymous or professional sex, kissing is not the norm; in fact, it is quite common to have sex without kissing at all and if kissing is to be included, it often has to be negotiated in advance.
French kissing is a bit of an art, like dancing, and for it to be pleasurable one needs a compatible partner. It is one of the few things one cannot do alone. Mouth to mouth kissing is a highly intimate thing and can be a lovely bonding experience, as well as a very charged sexual event. When kissing your partner works, it can easily transport you into an altered state of being.
Kissing is a wonderful way to get out of your thinking head and relieve you of anxiety about the possibility of sex. In other words, it helps you get out of your cognitive head, relax and surrender. The fact is, you cannot think and kiss at the same time. It would be like walking down the stairs while thinking about how to place your feet. You will most likely trip. For kissing to work, both tongues have to be relaxed, flexible and attuned to the other so they can find a rhythm, and from there it takes on a life of its own.
The lips and tongue have lots of sensory nerve endings that get activated during kissing and bombard the brain with the information that something erotic is happening. This sets off a domino effect of erotic impulses in the various sites of the brain that are involved with the arousal process, and sexual arousal sizzles through the whole body.
There is the possibility that kissing has been an intrusive and traumatic event in somebody’s life and in that case it can trigger more of an aversive response. This reaction can be overcome, but it might take time and many repetitions of positive kissing experiences where the focus is on being fully present to the sensory and sensual experience accompanied by lots of deep breathing.
Some people are more into kissing than others, and the idea of sex without it is absurd. For them, it feels as if there is a direct line from the tongue to the groin. Others can take it or leave it, but can appreciate good kissing with the right person. The bottom line is that there is no right or wrong. For some people kissing is a must, while others can have fun and satisfying sex with or without it.
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Intimacy 101
Intimacy is a multifaceted issue that most of us are familiar with in one way or the other, possibly from life or perhaps from TV, movies or books. There are different kinds of intimacy, so I want to be clear that I am referring to intimacy between lovers.
You can ask a number of “experts” and “wanna be experts” (after all how does one really become an intimacy expert?) and chances are they’ll all have a different answer on how to create and maintain intimacy. There is no one size fits all, as much as people have different styles of living, dressing or being sexual, they have different ways of being intimate. However, there are some key steps that I consider very important for building a healthy and lasting intimacy.
One “mistake” I see people make again and again is to rush the process of being intimate. They think that sleeping over on the first or second date or going on vacation together after a couple of weeks will accelerate the process and lead to more love sooner. Not true. It tends to push buttons that are not ready to be pushed and might make one or both partners want to run away. This type of intense togetherness too soon also tends to skip several steps in the “getting to know each other” process, and can easily lead to frustrations and fights about feeling misunderstood. Getting to know another person takes time!
Then there is the (in)famous “it’s me” on the phone after a date or two. Who is “me”? This assumes a familiarity that is not yet established, and can be a big turn off to the person on the other end trying to figure out which “me” is calling. Thus introduce yourself by name when he/she picks up the phone, it is much more attractive.
Another popular shortcut is texting, which can be done anytime and anywhere. While this is fun and accessible, it projects, through an abbreviated and casual language, an illusion of intimacy that has no root in reality. In addition, it does not include any intonation of voice or facial expression, and is a major source of misunderstandings. So be easy on the texting until you know each other a little more. And the same goes for e-mails, pause for a second before hitting the send button.
If you end up having sex early on in the dating process, don’t assume that means you are now exclusive and “super” intimate. Unless you communicate carefully what changes this might imply with the particular person involved, it quite simply means; “you had sex.”
Maintain some privacy of your personal history until you know for sure if you want to share intimate details of your life with this particular person. Let out a little at a time and see how it is received, too much too soon can be a big turn off.
So impatient one, take your time. Maintain your life, job, friends and interests while getting to know this new person. Enjoy the process for what it is and remember that dating and relationships don’t conclude in an “end result.” You will never get to have this initial excitement with this particular person again. Therefore try to appreciate the mystery that “the other” represents in the beginning, and embrace that you don’t know what you and you partner are going to feel and do from one moment to the next.
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